There has been much discussion about moving. I’d appreciate a discussion of moving from a different angle. my parents will be moving within the year. they are in their 70s and I know that this is a very difficult move for them, physically and emotionally. As the oldest daughter, what can I do to ease the transition for them? What is my role? I will soon be visiting and spending a full week with them. What can I say, what advice, what encouragement can I offer to ease this process? I know that they are having a very tough time downsizing. they are proposing to put all their furniture and household and personal items into storage. How can I gently encourage them to let go and move on?

Faigie Horowitz

First, your understanding and compassion are key. And they are obvious in this query. Be supportive and empathetic towards your parents who are doing a life review, so to speak, as they go through their belongings and pack up a life. It’s challenging, even if the next phase is normal and something they look forward to. The job of downsizing is daunting. I recently participated in a class for adult children on this topic in connection with my work in the senior sphere and found many helpful tips from Matt Paxton, author of the AARP book Keep the Memories, Lose the Stuff, and a media expert on this topic. He suggested encouraging the senior to start small with one hour or one junk drawer at a time. Choosing a space and making a difference in the clutter proves to oneself that one can do it. If one does it consistently, just a little bit at a time, one gets to know how it feels. It begins to feel manageable. He does not recommend long stretches of sorting. Being consistent is step two: keeping at it. Starting earlier helps. So, you can encourage your parents to just begin. The memories and emotions must be confronted and dealt with. What does one do with the items accumulated over a lifetime of family, professional, and community life? Paxton suggests that making a legacy list will help. Choosing several items for sharing one’s story with one’s family and future generations is smart. It’s not about the things, it’s about the stories and histories connected with them. Especially for a Yid, telling the stories, the mesorah, connected with the mementos, both tashmishei kedusha and simple objects, are important. If one preserves the stories connected to the mementos, it’s easier to put them in the passing-it-on pile. Thus, recording the stories connected with the family artifacts will help your parents in this daunting job. Gently giving your parents the time to talk with someone significant, sharing details of their lives in a personal fashion will certainly ease the experience. They will be sharing their history and their stories, not just consigning things to others or the dustbin or the camera. Taking photos obviously will help. If you commit to turning these into photo books eventually for the grandchildren, you will be communicating that their legacy of stories and memories will continue. There is also a grief process when an older person approaches the physical manifestation of closing out life in a home where they have spent decades. Everyone grieves differently and we must respect each individual’s journey. Grieving one’s parents and other relatives who have predeceased them is part of this transition as mementos of their lives may be part of the home. Giving the adult a sense of control is respectful. Let them make the decisions even if help is hired. Taking more stuff than there is room for is ok. The space in the new location will determine what they will preserve. There is a big difference between someone telling a senior to get rid of something and his choosing to dispense with it simply because there is no space. Check out Paxton’s website, mylegacylist.com, for more suggestions, both practical and psychological. 

Faigie Horowitz, MS, is a columnist, content writer, political advocate, and community activist who serves as the rebbetzin of Agudath Achim in Lawrence. 

Miriam Liebermann

Several aspects of moving are begging to be addressed. There is the physical job of packing and then unpacking, which can certainly be super strenuous. And of course, assistance from children and grandchildren is always appreciated. I’m picturing a packing party. I see 3-4 strong young men who arrive at their Bubby’s house eager and ready to pack up the many seforim that line the shelves. Of course, they will label each box, indicating which seforim are hidden within. Hopefully, these helpful young men will show up at Bubby’s new home a short while later to help unpack the seforim and place them properly into their new home. The same applies to the dishes and other assorted, essential household items. And then, there’s the emotional aspect. Why do so many of us have a hard time letting go? It’s the memories that these items evoke within us; it’s those memories and associations that we’re trying to hold onto. It’s hard to let go and move ahead. It can be painful to leave behind the home of our youth, the home where we raised our families. The memories are embedded within each room, each corner. I still recall what a difficult time I had discarding our well-used, beloved pink couch. I had sat in the corner of that couch lovingly, nursing my babes, day and night. I actually saw this couch being swallowed up by the garbage truck. It was a painful scene for me! If you’re able to spend a nice chunk of time with your parents helping them with the move, that’s fabulous. Walk down Memory Lane with them. Walk around the house and reminisce with them. Share the memories. Remember the birthday party you hosted for Avromi’s first birthday? Remember that wonderful Seder when Naftali was a baby? Remember how you would hide the afikomon in that corner behind the painting? Can you recall how the little ones would pile up on your lap while you sat in that oversized, comfy armchair? Share those wonderful, happy memories. Assure your parents that you too feel the connection to this home. Validate what they’re feeling. Assure them that you’ll always remember those wonderful moments. Take photos before their home is dismantled and create a little album for your parents. When they are feeling nostalgic they can always open up this album and revisit their earlier home. Parents may fear that all their items mean very little to their offspring. The adult children, for the most part, have their own furnished homes and don’t want, need, or appreciate these cherished furniture and decorative items from their parents’ homes. Each child, adult, and adult-to-be, should have a memento or two from Bubby’s home. It can be a tablecloth, a knickknack, or a wall hanging. Impress upon your parents that you do value their household possessions. Do not belittle these items. After taking photos and setting aside items for family members, help find a proper home for the rest. There are many charity organizations that will be happy to take household linens, furniture, clothes, etc. Don’t merely discard, rather, find a new home! Your mother will bless you! Validate your parents. Downsizing, moving, and relocating is tough for everyone. It is among the great stressors of our lives, and for good reason. Assure them that what they are feeling is to be expected and is totally normal. There is paperwork to be taken care of. Did they notify the post office of their move? The bank? Utility companies? Will they have to decide upon a new team of medical professionals to meet their needs? Can you help them do the research and arrange to transfer their medical records? Ideally, parents will move while they are still able to take care of the details themselves. That would be the best scenario. Encourage them to reach out. Participate in communal events. Attend the local shul. Meet the neighbors. While men generally find their place within the shul setting and regular shiurim, both of which provide the men with friendships and much-needed camaraderie, the women have to invest a bit more effort into making new friends. Moving can be a great adventure! Share your rosecolored glasses with your parents. It’s all in the attitude. Validate and acknowledge the challenge while still being positive, upbeat, and super helpful. And keep in mind always, the encouragement and assistance you’re offering your parents is a beautiful demonstration of kibbud av va’eim, a monumental mitzvah. Let your children share in this mitzvah also. Let them know how grateful you are that you can be there for your parents at this crucial point in time. May we all soon make the ultimate move, relocating to Yerushalayim Habenuyah, b’karov b’yomeinu!!! 

Miriam Liebermann, MSW, a co-founder of JWOW!, shares her passion for life through her inspirational writing and her Tzipisa L’Yeshua tambourine workshops. Miriam is the author of two anthologies for women, The Best is Yet to Be and To Fill the Sky with Stars, along with Saying Goodbye, coauthored with Dr. Neal Goldberg.